What does setting boundaries mean anyway?

Think back to a time you said “yes” at work and something inside you immediately went, hmm. Or maybe it showed up weeks later as a quiet “I wish I hadn’t agreed to this.” We have all been there.

In both my work coaching leaders and my own internal work, I’ve noticed that our bodies usually know a boundary has been crossed before our minds catch up. A few signs I ask leaders to watch for:

  • Resentment. This is one of the most reliable signals. It often means you said yes when you wanted to say no.
  • Overwhelm. Too many things to do, and not nearly enough time to do them well.
  • Avoidance. You’re steering around a task, or a person, because you don’t want to have the “no, I won’t do that” conversation.

If any of those feel familiar, you’re not alone. Setting boundaries and critically, maintaining them, is a core leadership skill that often gets forgotten in traditional management training programs. For women and others with marginalized identities, this skill can be especially under-developed.

“I need people to not need me”

A coaching client (let’s call her Dana) said this to me in one of our first sessions. Dana was a capable, well-liked director. She was also exhausted. Her calendar was a wall of meetings, her inbox was full of “quick questions,” and she had no time left to think.

As the coaching session progressed, two things became clear. Her colleagues had learned that Dana would always say yes. And for herself, Dana wasn’t clear until that coaching session what she really needed for herself: protected time to think strategically.

Dana had been socialized to be helpful. She didn’t want to seem difficult and was concerned about how she’d be perceived, especially as a woman in leadership, where “tough” is rarely meant as a compliment. We talked about how these potential perceptions of her were real risks, and also about the risks of not making a change. What emerged was a way to more intentionally choose what to say “yes” to, rather than following a socialized knee-jerk desire to be liked.

Boundaries are clarity

Many leaders hear “boundaries” and picture shutting people out. I see it differently.

A healthy boundary at work holds three things as equally important: yourself, your relationships, and your deliverables. When one of those consistently gets sacrificed for the others, something eventually breaks.

Think about someone you know who sets boundaries really well. Chances are you’d describe them as clear, focused, and respected, not cold. That’s because good boundaries:

  • Make your priorities visible to yourself and to others
  • Model a sustainable way of working for your team
  • Tell people how to work with you, instead of leaving them to guess

That last point matters more than most leaders realize. Most people crossing your boundaries don’t know they’re doing it. You simply haven’t told them where the line is.

Context matters too. The boundaries you set with your boss look different from those you set with a peer or a direct report; and these things shift over time. Your identity, and how others perceive you, is part of the equation as well. That’s why it’s so helpful to talk through your specific scenario with a trusted coach or neutral advisor.

Four tips for setting boundaries with confidence

1. Reflect before you respond

Before you say yes (or no!), take two minutes and ask yourself three questions: What does the work need? What do I need? What does the relationship need?

Notice that the last one says the relationship, not the person. Your job description probably asks you to collaborate well with others. It almost certainly doesn’t ask you to meet every colleague’s needs, all the time.

This quick reflection does a lot of the heavy lifting. When you know what you’re protecting, the words come much more easily.

2. Know what you’re saying yes to

Every “no” is really a “yes” to something else: a critical project, your team’s capacity, your own focus. Lead with that.

For example, if your boss hands you a new project while your team is stretched thin, you might say: “I’m committed to delivering Project X on time, and adding this now would put that at risk. Can we look together at which one matters most right now?”

You’re not refusing. You’re making the trade-off visible rather than absorbing the work as if it’s no big deal.

3. Keep it short and skip the apology.

The two most common ways boundaries lose their power are overexplaining and apologizing. Both signal that you’re not sure you’re allowed to have the boundary. A clear, warm, concise statement of your priorities and what you are saying “no” to is much more helpful.

4. Expect to say it more than once

Setting a boundary is rarely a one-time event. People will test it, often without meaning to. When they push back, acknowledge what they need, then calmly restate your boundary and follow-through with action.

If a peer is consistently late to your meetings and you’ve told them your expectations several times, the next time they’re late, reschedule. Words set the boundary. Actions maintain it.

Boundaries are how leaders protect what matters most.

For Dana, things started to shift once she got clear on what she needed and began saying so, kindly and directly. Her team stepped up to own more of their decisions and she finally had room to do the strategic thinking her role required.

These tips are a starting point. In my coaching sessions and workshops, we go deeper: a simple, repeatable model for finding the right words, real-world practice with the situations you’re facing, and strategies for handling guilt and pushback when they show up.

If you’re a leader who struggles to say no, or you’d like to bring this work to your team, I’d love to talk about how coaching can help.

Saying yes to everything? Steady Ground coaches leaders to set clear boundaries with confidence while keeping strong relationships intact. Book a call

* This post was written with assistance from AI, utilizing a training outline that I authored myself.